So I know..

Ok, here's the thing, I quit my job last month. I loitered around the house like a zombie, sleeping early in the morning and wake up in the middle of afternoon. I go out only when I need to, for example, lunching with girl friends, buying stupid (probably I won't need in next couple of months) things, clearing my head from the jumble of recession (not 100% true since I have no interest in the economic world). Then it started to hit me, what should I do next? I was planning of going back to school but since the recession I don't feel like I want to burden my dad for the school fees, my savings only last me till January 2009 and I am just a pathetic 26 years old still living in my rented landed house that my parents rent for me. Yikes, time to think hard now, Jade, I should think this is the best time to figure out what you want in this life.

Firstly, I don;t want to slave under a stupid company who only cares of making money for the top management people and the share-holders. Heck, I don't even want to do overtime. or work on weekends. I know, I am being too pampered and selfish by saying that.
Secondly, I don't even know my goal in life.
Thirdly, I have never ever have any motivation in my whole entire life (I hate those "what is your motivation?" question in every single stupid interviews, why do you want to know that? Its not like you can help me fulfill them).
To top everything off, I am over-weight and since I'm really not a motivated person, I don't even plan of shedding a few pounds (hell, you started to think that you wanted to lose weight in 2001 and you still fat in 2008, it sorted kill all the motivation, don't you think?) (I know, I know, I should probably do it since it looks like I'm carrying a tire around my belly and my best friend is getting married by the end of the year, and (I know, Mom) I don't have a boyfriend). Why is everybody going skinnier and skinnier while I'm getting fatter and fatter? *Sigh* guess, it must be the motivation thing.

What is exactly my calling in life? You see, I have been trying to find that out since the beginning of my graduation year but yet to find the answer. Does this all come down to the fact that I have not been active in church and toiling for my faith? well, you know, the thing of finding the Kingdom of God first and everything else will be topped off to you. *Sigh* Do I sound like I'm hating God now? If it is, trust me I'm not. God, please believe me, I'm not hating You or not believing You, I just.. I don't know. Just .. please forgive me, God.

I don't know.. this is wierd.. this is de ja vu from 2 years ago when I was sending hundreds and hundreds of resume and nobody responded. I always know that God put someone for a purpose. I always want to know what purpose He has in store for me. Has the purpose failed? Has it come? What is it? Does He has one for me? Oh no! I'm back to sound like I'm losing my faith!! *Sigh* or has it lost years ago but I'm still pretending to be having it? the saying is very true "faith is believing of something that you don't see and hoping for something that has not yet come" I haven't see anything in the longest time and not waiting for anything for the longest time either, I think I may not be having that faith anymore. *Sigh* So what should I do for my future, I still don't know. Should I pray tonight? I think I should. I hope I will know what I want to do next, and I really hope I have the motivation to lose weight. I know I'm fat and my big-fat-ass has been blocking the old granny from moving to the exit door in the bus.

I am a cynical person, I know. A pessimist too. I know. *Sigh*. But please Lord, please, forgive me for being those things and please and please let me know what is my calling. *Sigh* I hope I know the answer to that one.